
Olen viime aikoina miettinyt vihaa. Ostin joskus vuosia sitten kirjankin, jonka teemana on viha, mutta kirja on jäänyt lukematta. Minusta on aina yhtä kiehtovaa se, miten ihmistä saatellaan tietyn teeman käsittelyyn. Nyt kun olen kuljeskellut elämää eteenpäin ja kokenut avioeron, on tunne nimeltä viha tullut käsittelyn alle niin henkilökohtaisesti kuin ammatillisestikin. Ja senhän tietää, että kun jokin teema annetaan tutustumisen kohteeksi, tulee asia vastaan vähän joka puolella.
Viha on meidän kulttuurissamme perinteisesti aika vaikea tunne. Tämä johtuu ehkä siitä, että vihassa on niin paljon voimaa. Ja syykin tiedetään: vihan tehtävä on suojella elämää. Alkukantaisimmillaan viha on voima, jolla konkreettinen vihollinen saadaan nujerrettua.
Samankaltainen tavoite vihalla on henkisestikin. Vihan tarkoitus on osoittaa rajat. Kun vihani herää, tiedän, että jokin uhkaa rajojani. Aina ei ole ihan selvää, mikä raja rikkoutuu, mutta siihen pääsee kyllä käsiksi, kun vähän tunnustelee. Pettymykset, omiin arvoihin koskeminen jne. voivat herättää kiukkua ja ärtymystä.
Viha on siis hyvä tunne. Se on sisäinen puolustajamme. Koska viha on niin voimakas tunne, on sen terve kanavointi hankalaa. Meidän kulttuurimmekaan ei varsinaisesti tarjoa välineitä vihan purkamiselle. Vihan kanavointi ulospäin esimerkiksi puhumalla, harrastamalla liikuntaa, kirjoittamalla jne. on vastuullista ja tervettä vihan purkamista. Itse huomaan usein ryhtyväni siivoamaan, kun oikein kiukuttaa.
Terve viha suuntautuu itsestä ulospäin. Moni kuitenkin kääntää vihan itseään vastaan. Itseä kohti käännetty viha saa meidät ahdistumaan ja masentumaan. Moni masentunut onkin ennen kaikkea vihainen vähän kaikelle, eniten kuitenkin itselleen. Sisäinen puhe on usein hyvin ankaraa.
Ihmissuhteissa kanavoimaton viha saa mielenkiintoisia ilmenemismuotoja. Piikittely, marttyyriksi heittäytyminen, kettuilu, luolaan vetäytyminen, norsunluutorniin kiipeäminen ja muu vaikeilu, vallankäyttö ja venkoilu on usein vihapohjaista. Kuulostaako tutulta?
Parisuhteissa vihan käsittely on yksi perustaito. Vihaa on, sitä on turha kieltää, mutta miten sitä saadaan yhdessä purettua, onkin sitten oma tarinansa. Eksälläni oli veikeä tapa ottaa lenkkarini eteisen hyllystä ja sanoa, että ”Mitä jos kävisit ensin lenkillä ja katotaan sitten, mitä asiaa sulla oli”. Usein lenkiltä palasi säyseä vaimo :).
Aina ei lenkki auta vaan ihan oikeasti pitää keskustella. Ja mikä onkaan parempi tapa kuin rehellinen ja suora minäviestintä: ”Minua harmittaa, että jätät minut tässä tilanteessa yksin. Voisitko tukea minua?” tai ”Kun myöhästyt sovitusta ajasta, minusta tuntuu, että olen arvoton”. Ja ”Herttasen perheessä” toinen ottaa tästä kopin :) Eli vastuupallo jakautuu kahteen yhtä suureen osaan. Piikittelykin jää vähemmälle, kun parisuhteessa on tilaa reilulle vihanilmaisulle.
Oi, sanoi siili,
olen tunteellinen siili,
olen hyvä, kiltti, hellä
Ja kenelläpä, kellä
on vastaansanomista?
Se vain on surullista,
että piikkikuoren alla
siilin hellyys piili.
Oi, sanoi siili,
olen surullinen siili,
niin yksinäinen jotta!
Ja se on aivan totta:
se yksinänsä eli
ja piikein piikitteli,
ja piikkikuoren alla
sitten itkeskeli.
-Kirsi Kunnas-
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