Sydämen levoton tykytys

Talvi on väsyttävä, mutta pimeydessään armelias. Kevät on hurja ja julma. Valo pakottaa katsomaan itseä. Oma ruumis on talven jäljiltä kömpelö, pää sumea. Iho on kalpea ja kuiva. Silmänaluset edellistä kevättä tummemmat, uurteet edellistä kevättä syvemmät. Kevät edellistä kevättä raa’empi. Syntymäpäivä lähestyy ja kesä.

Yksinäisyys lemuaa pahemmmalta kesäisin. Sen mustuus on tummempaa muiden aurinkoisia kesäkuvia vasten. Talvella kaiken voi kätkeä kiireeseen. Epävarmuus toimeentulosta ja asuinpaikasta ja syystä olla olemassa hätäännyttää mielen. Toivon jonkun ottavan kädestäni kiinni. Pelokkaan sydämen levoton tykytys on yhtä totta ruumiissa kuin niskan jäykkyys, takareisien kireys, munasarjojen jomotus, kylmässä särkevät sormien nivelet.

Terveen ihmisen määritelmä ilkkuu takaraivossa: “Ihminen on terve, kun se osaa tehdä työtä ja rakastaa.” Jos kumpikaan ei oikein suju, mitä silloin on.
Epäterve?
Vääränlainen?
Kelvoton?
Työtön sinkku?
Paikkaansa etsivä ihminen?
Vapaa taiteilija, jonka tehtävä on kyseenalaistaa konventionaaliset hyvän elämän, ihmisyyden ja parisuhteen mittarit?

Keväisen maan haju on kutsu vaeltamaan. Sydämen levoton tykytys voi olla myös kutsu seikkailuun. Voin pakata tavarani häkkivarastoon parissa tunnissa, käyttökamppeet reppuun muutamassa minuutissa, nostaa peukalon pystyyn ja lähteä liikkeelle. Voin tanssia pitkin maantietä ja katua ja klubien lattioita. Olla vapaa. Ehkä löydän ihmisen, jonka kädestä otan kiinni. 

Kirjoitan tähän blogiin aina lauantaisin lyhyitä juttuja edellisen illan romantiikannälkäisistä sekoiluista, pitkiä analyyseja parisuhteen ja sinkkuuden tilasta ja kaikkea siltä väliltä. Pysy kuulolla!

Joensuulainen kuvataideopettaja, teologian opiskelija, kansalaisaktivisti ja luottamuksen pyhiinvaeltaja aka köyhä. Kirjoitan parisuhdeblogiin täysin ilman omakohtaista kokemusta parisuhteesta, vähän samaan tapaan kuin katolinen, selibaattiin sitoutunut pappi antaa avioliittoneuvontaa.

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